Category Archives: humor

LA Horror Story: Los Angeles is Burning

Look up at the sky and it will tell you some kind of story. Like yesterday’s super moon, for instance, or a glimpse of the Milky Way on a particularly clear night — it will literally take your breath away if you let it.

I’ve always found the sky to be vibrant at sunset, especially from the ninth floor at the Univision 34 building near LAX. Last autumn really brought out the most silky rose-plum hues that rushed to meet ardent ambers. Me, I was just lucky enough to observe the overt flirtation.

“It’s just terrible about all of these fires, though,” my friend Eddie bemoaned in between drags of a cigarette. I nodded, keeping my mouth shut, all too aware that addictions don’t stop just because half of the city has gone up in smoke. “Yeah,” I started, looking down at Henry, my dog. He looked back up at me, his tail wagging in presumed empathy towards my ethical predicament. “Yeah, it’s pretty bad.” But what else could be done?

I had run into Eddie outside of my apartment building, and he ended up joining us on an improptu, abbreviated walk around the neighborhood. It was a beautiful day, save for how the sunlight forced its way through the noxious air, not quire unlike Playdoh through a fun factory. These damned fires. We expected them every year, more so than the rain.

The thing is, the rain did come, too soon afterward, quite honestly, and did a lot of damage – to people’s homes, their lives. And then December brought about the largest fire in California history, according to Wikipedia, ar least. In showing its true colors right above our heads, the notion of a merry Christmas had undoubtedly been pushed well out of reach.

And what can be done?, I wondered.

I was so relieved at the rise in rainfall positively impacting a long-standing drought towards the beginning of last year, but the high didn’t last long. The idea that we humans have done insurmountable and likely irreversible damage is a total mood-killer. All the enjoyable instances — a gentle breeze, cool summer rain, or breathtaking sunrise — are likely just manifestations of circumstances borne of capitalism’s bottom line. Or perhaps that’s just me being cynical.

I believe in global warming. That said, it doesn’t need me to believe in it to be real.

We made our way down the block. Henry’s ecru coat had taken on the color of yams, and Eddie’s words were starting to gurgle over pockets of mucus in his throat. There wasn’t much to say and I wanted to take a nap before heading to work. It was time to go inside.

I awoke 45 minutes later from a fitful sleep, perhaps in the middle of REM. My surroundings felt heavy, disrupted, despite having kept the windows closed. The apartment building was old, on the side of both charming and barely hanging on. Pollutants were likely seeping in through what would be the leaky living room ceiling, if it ever rained enough.

I glanced at my phone on the nightstand — forty minutes ’til noon. It was time to get ready. Daydreaming and wondering and worrying was only going to make me late. I showered, got dressed, and made my way down the block to where my hatchback was parked.

“When the hills of Los Angeles are burning, palm trees are candles in the murder wind.”

Downtown, the bitcoin-and-blockchain mixer was packed and getting more congested by the half hour. Billed as a rooftop party, it was far more a bridge-type situation with a view. Taking a quick promo break from my place in the corner of the vendor floor plan, I strained to see the tops of the Wells Fargo and AEG buildings. Looking back at eye-level, I noticed a thin, charcoal-colored layer of smoke circling its way around an outdoor lamp just above the crowd. Bored with the attendees, I thought about Eddie, and the state of our lungs.

So many lives are on the breeze; even the stars are ill at ease, and Los Angeles is burning.”

(To be continued…)

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Short Horror Stories About Adulting (Happy Halloween)

If you want to be scarred for life, read on. Imagine this if you dare:

  • Leaving the house without the following: (a) driver’s license, (b) shoes, (c) eyebrow pencil, (d) enough gas in the tank, or (e) all the above.
  • Waking up happy it’s Friday but it’s only Tuesday.
  • Relieved that it’s payday but nope, that’s next week.
  • Neglecting to clean out the coffeemaker from three weeks ago and discovering a scene not unlike a science project.
  • Having to make three Target runs in a week.
  • Losing a contact lens in your eye socket while driving.
  • Having your only ponytail holder snap in the middle of the work day.
  • Chucking your cell phone and building access badge in the mail chute instead of the mail.
  • Forgetting to take your birth control pills for three days, thereby throwing your figure, complexion, mood and digestive system into the pits of hormonal hell.
  • Falling into the toilet at Gold Coast Bar.
  • Getting into an elevator when you’re late for work to have someone jam their arm between the closing doors and let 10 people on who — naturally — select a minimum of five stops between the lobby and your floor.
  • When the server at Sunday brunch takes 15 minutes to get your check, and another 15 minutes to process your payment, when all you want to do is go home and nap off a hangover.

      I think that’s it. Happy Halloween, everyone!

      Yoga in a Time of Zombies, Pt. 1

      Cat Yoga Headstand

      There are so many obvious benefits that come from partaking in regular yoga practice — immediate (centeredness, mental clarity, improved breathing) and eventual (muscle development, flexibility and stability). From vinayasa to restorative, yoga is clearly one of the best things that a person can incorporate into their workout routines.

      When thinking of yoga, though, I immediately fall victim to the Pinterest-perfect ideal — the long, lithe figure, chill demeanor, and apartment completely free from pet dander. (You’ve seen the pins. You know what I’m talking about). More than eucalyptus or lavender aromatherapy, that particular idea of yoga instantly calms me down. I realize that this is a well-marketed image and not necessarily reality. Still, I can’t help but be sold on the idea.

      This is usually where I start asking myself just how many asanas and savasanas I plan on doing in the zombie apocalypse, because the answer is probably not many. Gyms and studios will turn into sanctuaries and fitness equipment of all kinds will turn into weapons. Namaste what? All that we know now will be replaced by the need to survive.

      That said, I’m beginning to wonder if I’ve tricked myself into thinking that partaking in mostly functional exercise is a most efficient way to prepare for the coming of the undead. I am more than aware that cross-training ups the ante on not just the physical, but largely the mental aspect of a workout. In either case, I’d really like my thighs to stop jiggling before civilization as we know it ceases to exist, and I’ve heard there’s a few flows for that.

      What’s your favorite style of yoga? I’ve already a few options to explore and am looking forward to documenting them in this series. Topping my list is mastering pigeon pose, warrior series (especially the flow into warrior 3), and honestly just making and keeping the time to devote to practice.

      Let the adventure begin, for as much time as we have left this side of turning.

      Be sure to check out my zombie-tinged strength training series here:

      Episode 5
      Episode 4
      Episode 3
      Episode 2
      Episode 1

      20 Unconventional Blog Post Titles

      Thought I’d have a little fun — stop me if you’ve heard these before:

      1.  How to NOT Go Viral

      2. Face It, We’re All Dying 

      3. The Good Old Days Were Great for You, But Sucked For Your Parents

      4. 20 Singers Who Do Not Use Autotune

      5. How to Silent Fart Your Way Out of a Bad Date

      6. 5 Exercises to Get a Flat Butt

      7. 10 Reasons to Go Carnivorous

      8. How to Stay Below the Poverty Line

      9. Save on Dental Bills by Avoiding Responsibility Altogether

      10. How to Side-Eye Your Way to the Top

      11. Charming Incompetence = Basically a Princess 

      12. How to Talk Yourself Down from a Double-Shot Espresso High

      13. 8 Reasons to Marry Your Fiance and Not Run Off With the Horse

      14. Chocolate is a Vegetable, Wine is a Fruit

      15. 20 Ways to Emo Like It’s 1994

      16. Celebs: Like Hell They’re Just Like Us

      17. A Day in the Life of a Parched InstaThot 

      18. You’re Not Special, Just Loud and Annoying 

      19. How to Successfully Daydream Yourself Out of a Job 

      20. Throat Punching: The New Pinky Swear 

      Would you write about any of these? (I’m sure someone already has…)

      Happy Friday!